ADVICE FOR CHANGING YOUR LIFE by Maria Jesus Rivas  

Is it possible for us to change our lives? Once we have relegated our dreams and desires to last position in a life which has become unsatisfactory in every way, dominated by monotonous , boring routines, is it still possible to live well – to lead fulfilled, happy lives? The answer would appear to be “yes” – just by following some simple techniques.

The moment to say “Enough is Enough”

Isabel, a 43 year old endocrinologist, left her life in a hospital to become an enclosed nun; Kim, a grammar teacher, decided to undergo a sex change operation to transform himself into a woman. At the age of 47, Miguel chose to abandon his career as a chef in a well known restaurant and decided to concentrate his energies instead on the restructuring of houses in small Spanish villages; Clara was a judge, and today, apart from teaching classical dance, she is also a ballerina. The moment to say “Enough is Enough”, and to decide to begin a new life starting from scratch had arrived for all of these people. It was not enough for them just to make superficial changes to their everyday lives in the hope that this would make them more acceptable. No; something far more drastic was called for, something which had obviously been thought out very carefully, but which would completely transform their way of living. All of them were looking for happiness, and by making the necessary changes they were able to find it. Some change sex, others change country or culture or even religion. Many change their job or occupation, but one thing is common to all: the amazement, incredulity and surprise of those around them. To change is always a difficult decision to make – according to the experts, but once that decision has been made, those who are most surprised by everything are the protagonists themselves, those who actually chose to change. A complete change of life, leaving everything behind? At some time or other, when we’re bogged down with work, stressed out and trapped in monotonous routines, we all think about it. The real life stories of Isabel, Miguel, Kim and Clara, however, go one step further, showing us that it is possible to make radical changes, thus creating a new life. First and foremost though, before doing anything, it is important to know oneself extremely well.

Change is not easy

Even though it might seem that on most occasions a radical change is not strictly speaking necessary to improve the quality of one’s life and that just using the tiniest amount of intelligence might be sufficient to do the trick, nothing could be further from the truth. Indeed, experts have made an interesting discovery; according to their recent research, this desire to leave everything and start again from zero coincides with the so called “middle age” crisis – that is to say the moment in which one arrives to reflect on how life has been lived so far, and what ambitions have been fulfilled. Radical change is a difficult feat to accomplish at any moment in one’s life, and often routine and emotional ties block the way forward. General lack of energy, family obligations, the illusion of security and uncertainties regarding work – all these are obstacles to be faced along he road to change – not to mention the fear and anxiety which so often accompany these leaps into the unknown.

Despite all this however, - according to the experts – it is possible to change your destiny, leaving behind you the dissatisfaction and discontent with everyday life, if you give the matter careful thought, due consideration and follow the correct procedures. More and more people feel that they are victims of a static, monotonous life – stuck in a rut, with no control over their lives and with no sense of direction as to where they’re going. When life loses all meaning, dissatisfaction sets in, and people feel traped in a reality which is not their choice. This unhappy state in turn leads to a growing desire for change, the need for people to create a life which reflects their dreams and ambitions.

Analyse the change

The most important thing to do first of all is to go right back to the origins, to recognize and track down the type of attitude one adopts in the case of success or failure. Why? Because it is precisely these uncertainties, fears, complaisant behaviour that one must work on, and in which one must strive hard to make major changes. Changing the form but not changing the substance wil always take you to the same conclusions. Those longing for change which leads them to a rewarding life can easily fall into the common trap of idealizing their future, imagining some fantastic paradise, but at the same time losing sight of reality. The further our plans for change are from our reality and possible objectives, the greater our disappointment when these plans fail to materialize. Living in the country or changing jobs are possible changes to be made ...... but only if you are able to realistically see yourself in these new environments. The risk otherwise is to fall into the familiar trap of false changes. It often happens that those who are bored of the grind of their daily lives dream up the idea of disappearing and leaving everything so that they can start again from the beginning – a classic example of this is the person who decides to give up his job in the city, leaving the rat race, so that he can move to a little country village. This is nothing more than an escape act – and when one runs away from conflicts, they have a nasty habit of rearing up again. It is always much better to recognize the conflicts, face up to them, deal with them, and then decide if radically changing your life is really what you want.

An inner journey

Another common mistake is that of trying to change everything ...... but doing it in such a way that you change nothing. This is the typical case of those who change job in the quest for something which can live up to their expectations. Such people long to find a more interesting job, to have more free time,to dedicate their energies to something more stimulating. In reality, the discontent which generates these thoughts does not originate from the workplace. On the contrary, such negative feelings lie within the individual himself, rising to the surface and manifesting themselves in a series of habits which then become part and parcel of the daily routine. According to the Spanish psychologist and psychoanalyst Marga Pascual, “If after analysing this decision in depth, you genuinely believe that you have a good chance of bridging the gap between your dreams and the realistic possibility of achieving these dreams, then in this case you are ready to face up to change and all its consequences. A successful change is not a destruction, but an evolution – which saves what is “saveable” and improves what is “ improveable.” For this reason, it is always better to have a precise destination, to have a goal in mind, and to make the necessary plans so that you can fulfil these ambitions. What is called for is the need to be realistic, creative and flexible, but without improvising. What one must absolutely not do is to deceive oneself into thinking that simply by shifting one’s malaise from one part of the globe to another that this will be the end of all problems.

Beginning the process of change

To give oneself a second chance (whether it be changing job, travelling round the world, enrolling at university, dedicating oneself to charitable works, Dr Pascual has this advice to offer. She suggests six basic factors which can help to bring more satisfaction to your life. First of all, one must distinguish between long-term existential discontent, and short-term temporary unrest. If the gap between one’s own ambitions and the actual reality is sizeable, it’s worthwhile analyzing the situation and trying to work out just what it is that is causing discontent. Sometimes unhappiness arises from people having a lack of objectives, or from them not having a clear understanding of what exactly it is they would like to do or be; such cases call for reflection and drastic steps to be taken to get rid of this apathy, to have the strength of one’s convictions to make the necessary changes. Often, such simple acts of reflection are all that is needed to eliminate the risk of reckless, foolhardy actions which one only comes to regret. If, however, the desire to make radical changes to your life remains strong as ever, the whole operation must be planned properly. You must give yourself time to get to know yourself well, to find out who you are, and to understand exactly what it is that you really want. Everything has to be thought through very carefully, and your desire for change must be allowed to reach fruition when the moment is right. Worry can be a stimulus, but at the same time it can also block one’s capacity to think rationally.Everything has to be weighed up, all things taken into consideration. Financially speaking, do you have sufficient funds to see your plans through? Emotionally speaking, have you got the right spirit of adaptability and creativity to cope with such an enormous undertaking? Do you feel confident in your ability to deal with problems of every kind? The project must then be planned down to the minutest detail. You have to know what your limits are, so that you can avoid making the same mistakes you made in the past. All necessary information must be collected, and anything that could bring even the slightest benefit considered. This is the best way to ensure that your plans go beyond the dream stage and actually reach fruition. Speaking as much as possible with friends and family can help a lot. Come out in the open with your expectations, talk about your plans, stating clearly what it is that you hope to achieve. This continuous discussion strengthens these plans for change, pushing them in the direction of reality, whilst making you aware of the various pitfalls that lie ahead. It ensures that you take into consideration various shortcomings, highlighting possible problems that had not even occurred to you. The fact that many people try to dissuade those who want to leave everything behind them means that these would be changers find themselves find themselves forced to have concrete plans and to have a convincing argument in their favour. Changing your life is not something to be taken lightly; On the contrary, it is full of risks and pitfalls. Don’t burn your bridges, give yourself the chance to return. Calculate the risks, and accept the fact that you may make mistakes, but use these mistakes in a positive way, as a learning process so that you can avoid repeating them in the future. Now we can move on from theory to practice: Equip yourself with patience and perseverence, and don’t let yourself be led by impulses and improvisations. Try to think about what has been learnt so far, and be prepared to adapt. When you have some crisis, make sure you know how to overcome it, if necessary modify your plans. If you follow these basic guidelines, you will be ready to face up to radical change and all that it involves.